Monday, August 26, 2013

Choosing to swim

Ride the wave.
Let things be.
Go with the flow.
See what happens.
It will all work out.

Today its false.
Today the wave is too big.
Today its avoidance.
Today I can't fully breathe.
What happens when I can't see?
What will it look like when its all 'worked out'?

Grab your gut, grow up and be bold to face hard things.

Doubt is finding too much fertile soil.
Tears fill the rims of eyes in hopes of drowning honesty.
Hands grasp tightly in fear of letting go.
Flesh runs for shelter.
Spirit chains itself to patience.
Memories and time wage war.
Expectations, assumptions and judgments fill the front lines.
The medicine man speaks to the ear that will listen.

There's nothing easy about love.
Oh, secrets.
Oh, radiant color.

I won't just ride the wave today.
I'd rather swim.

Oh man who loves and gazes at another man
Oh woman who loves and gazes at another woman
Oh woman who loves and gazes at another man
Oh man who loves and gazes at another woman
I love you.
I understand you. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

I'm Scared Of It All

(photo taken in rural Utah on in 2010) 

...such an incredible collection of words. It pulls and tugs in some of my deepest places.

I'm Scared Of It All 

I'm scared of it all, God's truth! so I am;
It's too big and brutal for me.
My nerve's on the raw and I don't give a damn
For all the "hoorah" that I see.
I'm pinned between subway and overhead train,
Where automobillies swoop down:
Oh, I want to go back to the timber again --
I'm scared of the terrible town.

I want to go back to my lean, ashen plains;
My rivers that flash into foam; My ultimate valleys where solitude reigns;
My trail from Fort Churchill to Nome.
My forests packed full of mysterious gloom,
My ice-fields agrind and aglare:
The city is deadfalled with danger and doom --
I know that I'm safer up there.

I watch the wan faces that flash in the street;
All kinds and all classes I see.
Yet never a one in the million I meet,
Has the smile of a comrade for me.
Just jaded and panting like dogs in a pack;
Just tensed and intent on the goal:
O God! but I'm lonesome -- I wish I was back,
Up there in the land of the Pole.

I wish I was back on the Hunger Plateaus,
And seeking the lost caribou;
I wish I was up where the Coppermine flows
To the kick of my little canoe.
I'd like to be far on some weariful shore,
In the Land of the Blizzard and Bear;
Oh, I wish I was snug in the Arctic once more,
For I know I am safer up there!

I prowl in the canyons of dismal unrest;
I cringe -- I'm so weak and so small.
I can't get my bearings, I'm crushed and oppressed
With the haste and the waste of it all.
The slaves and the madman, the lust and the sweat,
The fear in the faces I see;
The getting, the spending, the fever, the fret --
It's too bleeding cruel for me.

I feel it's all wrong, but I can't tell you why --
The palace, the hovel next door;
The insolent towers that sprawl to the sky,
The crush and the rush and the roar.
I'm trapped like a fox and I fear for my pelt;
I cower in the crash and the glare;
Oh, I want to be back in the avalanche belt,
For I know that it's safer up there!

I'm scared of it all: Oh, afar I can hear
The voice of my solitudes call!
We're nothing but brute with a little veneer,
And nature is best after all.
There's tumult and terror abroad in the street;
There's menace and doom in the air;
I've got to get back to my thousand-mile beat;
The trail where the cougar and silver-tip meet;
The snows and the camp-fire, with wolves at my feet;
Good-bye, for it's safer up there.

To be forming good habits up there;
To be starving on rabbits up there;
In your hunger and woe,
Though it's sixty below,
Oh, I know that it's safer up there!

- Robert William Service